so tempted!

found one of my old “diaries” triggering

its the 150th day since my last suicide attempt

exactly to the day. a lot has changed since then, my medication has been put up to 100mg, ive got a new job, and am also doing a cerrt 3 in business, i love my job, and i feel closer to my family and friends. expect i miss my dad, a lot ever since that last attempt and my mum dragged me back to sydney, ive felt so distant from him, he barley calls and i miss my best friend, he is my bestfriend, he makes me happy without even trying, he knows when im depressed and knows how to make me feel better about myself. i mean so does my mum, but i just think she doesnt fully understand why i have depression, because really i dont even know. life fucks u up.  ive been tempted many of times in the past 150 days to cut my wrist and sleep for eternity, but i blocked the thoughts out of my head, and thats why it has been 150 days. i love this guy, and i no he loves me, but i hate him just as much as i love him, its fucked i no. i dont even understand the shit that goes on inside my fucked up brain. but i  no i dont want to fall in love ever again, it hurts way to much. i found my old (hand written) diary in a box thats in the garage with all my shit that i havent unpacked from living at dads, i re-read all the “entries” and im literally disgusted in myself, why am i so fucked up! uggh! yes rant rant rant blah blah, life of a sad depressed teenager. im ganna stop now. 

lost you forever? life is now pointless

just did the depression test.

yea already knew all of that D:

having a badfuckingday :(

dad <3

had a great day. but of course something had to ruin it.

just got off the phone with my dad, he has been in hospital, doctors thought he was having a heart attack, but he just had bad chest pains and pneumonia (how ever u fucking spell it) so yea now im all bummed out and shit. thank u heaps depression. and i still have to tell dad that im not coming home. which i dont no how to do, bcause he is my bestfriend and i hate not being with him, i need to look out for him when he is sick and he needs to look out for me when im depressed, we watch sci-fi to makes us feel better.. but lately i cant even turn the sci-fi channel on without bursting into tears. imy daddy

im the Pegasus to his Hercules

split personalities?

so usually i wear jeans, band t, doc martens. i have this dont give a fuck attitude and if i dont like you, ill show it. cause really you dont know me and if i want to sit here with my ipod blasting bullet for my valetine or parkway, then i fucking will.

then theres the smiley keira that will smile at you even if i dont like you, be poliet and cheery even if i think your a total fucker. cause im a nice bitch like that.

but latley i just want to stay grunge dont give a fuck keira. cause i really dont give a fuck anymore. judge me. go on i dare you. its entertaining :)

and its ppretty much the same on work days. in the morning i wake up, and dress for a smart dressy day at work with dresses and skirts and heels and shit.

when i get home i chuck my jeans back on and green day shirt.

then i have this serious work hard energery. (only at work) but then after im the funny comedian keira. that will crack jokes at the most awkward situations. act stupid and make people laugh.

but even though i smile and laugh. inside im dieing. i dont want to be anywhere anymore.

ive been called selfish, bitchy, skanky, fat, ugly, horse face, mole, cow, fag, fuck face, dickfuck. every insulting name you can think of. and i will throw back insults to the people that insult me, even if they are my best friend or the guy i love. cause its just how i am, then later ill feel bad and cry.

im not selfish, i truley take a bullet for a stranger, or throw myself of a bridge if it would save the life of someone else. save someone from drowning even if it meant it would cost my own life.

i just want you to know.

you dont know me

and i never expect you to

<3